What do micheal Jackson and an Xbox have in common? . . . . . Their both plastic and kids turn them on

Michael Jackson got Busted in a hotel room . . . . . They were terified

 LITTLE JACK HORNER SAT IN THE CORNER LICKING HIS GIRLFRIEND DRY HE STUCK OUT HIS TONGUE AND TASTED THE CUM AND REPLIED FUCK THIS IS BETTER THAN PIE

What r u doin this weekend? Do u want to give us a hand? We r trying to make the worlds biggest pancake! We'v got plenty of cooks we jus need a tosser!

What do michael jackson and father christmas have in common? They both sneak into childrens bedrooms and come out with empty sacks

 WIFE: i have a headache. HUSBAND: Perfect, i was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with asprin, u can take it orally or as a suppository, its up to u!

Whats brown & is often found in kids underpants?.........Michael Jacksons Hand!!!!!!

Whats worse than letting Michael Jackson put your kids to bed? Letting Ian Huntley bath them first!!

 Richard Branson has just offered 2 sponsor Leeds Utd. Leeds chairman refused saying we cant have VIRGIN on our shirts when we r gettin fucked every week!

woman raped in kerry by 2 council workers, wen asked how she recognised them as council workers she replied "i had to do all the fuckin work!"

paddy found some durex in his daughters bedroom. he said, 'bejesus she's 16yrs old and i didn't even know she had a cock!'

 Paul McCartney has brought his wife a new leg for Xmas.It's not her main present though, it's just a stocking filler!

Parts of Liverpool were today closed off after a suspect device was found on a car.......Police later identified it as a tax disc!!

der were 2 blondes walkin in the wuds wen dey came across tracks, 1 said dey were deer tracks da other said they were dog tracks! dey were still fighting wen the train hit them!

 Michael Jackson is being investigated for drugs. During the Neverland raid, police found class As, class Bs, and all the male members of class 5C.

myra hyndley and a young lad walking across moor "its scary this is" said young lad "tell me aboutit" says myra ive gotta walk back on my own!

Why is it you can sue the cigarette company for getting cancer, you can sue Mc Donalds for getting fat, but you can't sue stella for al the ugly people you've f*cked?

 a gurl turns to her boyfriend in a crowded movie and says"hun,da guy next to me is masturbating!"he says"ignor him!"she says"i cant!hes usin my hand!"

Backwards read you makes fucked butt getting.

i thought i seen ur name on a loaf of bread 2day, but when i looked closer it said THICK CUT

 So I said to this ilegal immigrant. stop spitting u filthy little bastard, but he carried on, in the end it got so bad, i had to take him off the BONFIRE

Chinese man: Me no come work, me sick. Boss:Whin Im sick, I have sex with my wife, try it. 2hrs later chinese phone back: It worked! Me got better. U got nice house!

staff at the mental home treating frank bruno say theyve had no problem with his behaviour until some twat rang the dinner bell

 I WAS NERVOUS AT 1ST IT WAS BIG & LONG & WENT STRAIGHT UP! I HAD 2 TRY IT, I EASED MYSELF ON 2 IT I LIKED IT,! I WENT UP & DOWN ON IT! I LOVE ESCALATORS NOW!

Frank Bruno was offered the vacant Tottenham manager's job, he replied, i'm not that fucking mad!

Frank Bruno has been caught with his prick between 2 biscuits. Police say he was fucking crackers

 News Flash!! Frank Bruno has been having sex with a Teletubbie... When questioned he did admit he was fucking La La.

I heard the bad news, U were struck off the medical register 4 having sex with ur patients.Pitty cuss u were a fucking good VET

i'd luv to take u out 2 dinner,sit by da candlelite,shower u wiv kisses and whisper those 3 magic words..."pay the bill"

 a man cums home and says to his wife, pack ya bags cos i have just won the lotto and she says what should i pack he says who cares just fuck off

when do ya give a dwarf a kick in the bollox? when he stands next to ya bird and says her hair smells nice!!!

David Blane has given up his latest stunt.He was told that 44 days doing nothing in a box isnt going to break the record which is currently held by Emile Heskey @ 4 years

 to make it straight she pulls it to make it stand she rubs it to make it stiff she lick's to let it in she pushes .true! threading a needle aint easy

Q:..When did Pinnochio REALLY find out he was made of wood?...... A:..When his hand caught on fire !

ur network has switched 2 a new priceplan the cost is determind by ur FANNY SIZE the WIDER the CHEAPER................ FROM NOW ON ALL YA CALLS ARE FREE

 5 men in line for an identity parade for a rape case. The victim walks in, paddy steps forward and shouts THATS HER!!

Guy lyin in hosp bed.."hows bout a kiss nurse""No"says nurse"Go on just 1 kiss""No"says nurse"Please,just 1""no"says nurse"I shouldnt even b givin u a wank!!!

paddy + murphy were walking thru the jungle 1 day wen they spotted a man with his head inside a crocodile, paddy says 2 murphy 'luk at that posh twat in his lacoste sleeping bag!'

 Why do brides wear white? . . . All domestic appliances come in white!

Nude woman stands infront of mirror & says 2 her huby"I look fat & ugly,pay me a compliment"Huby says ur eyesights fuckin spot on!

Tight Bloke asks hooker how much? She says $50 on bed,$20 on couch,$10 on grass.He hands her $50.She says,man of class,1 time on bed? He says NO, 5 times on grass!

 "Mummy,where do babies come from?" "Dad makes sperm & puts it inside me" "Do you swallow it?" "No,thats wen u want a new dress"

Wife comes home & says to hubby, "doctor siad I have tits & arse like an 18yrs old", Hubby: "What did he say about your 40yr old cunt?" Wife: "He never mentioned you"

Scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones, To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints, suddenly they talked shite, gained weight & couldnt drive!!

 whats the hardest thing about eating vegtables? getting passed the wheel chair!!

Why is it you can sue a cigarette company for gettin cancer, McDonalds for gettin fat, but you can't sue Stella for all the ugly people you've fucked!

a small child is lost in tesco's the security gaurd asks the little girl "wots ur mummy like?".. the child replies, "big cock and vodka"

 A reasent studdi haz chown thet peapel hoo aar fukin amezing in bed r krap ad spalling!

Q:wot is the most popular sex position used after marriage? A:doggy style..the man sits up and begs for an hour,the woman rolls over and plays dead!!!!

There is a major fanny transplant operation waiting 2 begin but cant start coz the fuckin donar is reading this txt

 How do u make a cat drink? . . . Put it in a blender!! Mmm

this bloke keeps ringing me& singing prince charming & stand & deliver down the phone.i keep tellin him 2 fuck off but he's adamant!

a new study from America has revealed that if you are shit in bed and sexually inexperienced you will be holding your phone in your right hand

 what is the fatty tissue around the clitoris called the The Wife !

Spastic asks ice cream man 4 an icecream. man says wot flavour? Spastic says dont matter, im gonna drop the fucker anyway!

a man takes his car 2 the garage and says 'can i swop my car?' the other man asks why, he replies cuz when i go up the hill 2 my house it wont go past 60. the man asks 'why wud u want it 2 go past 60,' he says cuz i live at 83.

 i used 2 hate weddings. all the old dears would come up 2 me and poke me and say "you'll be next". they soon stopped that shit when i started doin the same 2 them at funerals!

Who is the biggest PIMP?....Your MUM coz she tells u to look for a man with a good job

paddy was in the quick fire round of a pub quiz, he was asked "name a bird that cant fly" so he replie's " that bird from HOLBY CITY"

 A man goes down on a womanand says fuck that stinks! Woman says it's arthritis. He says what in your cunt? She says no in my shoulder, i can't wipe my arse!

what would it take to reunite the beatles? two more bullets!

Why is sex like a card game? Cos if u dont hav a good partner, u'll need a fucking gud hand!

 Wots rough +n hairy on the outside, soft + wet on the inside starts wi a C ends wi a T and hast U and N in it.Answer=A COCONUT u fuckin perv

Paul Macartneys poem about his wife. We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver. I slowly undid her suspender belt & her leg fell in the river.

Little boy whips out his dick & says to little girl, "U haven't got 1 of these." She lifts up her skirt, "with 1 of these I can get as many of those as I want."

 whats the hardest thing about eating vegtables? getting passed the wheel chair!!

EVER WONDER WHY THEY USE ABCDEF TO DEFINE BRA SIZES? A=ABSENT B=BARELY VISABLE C=COME IN USEFUL D=DAMN GOOD E=ENORMOUS F=FANTASIC FF=F**KIN FAKE

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE, TRUE LOVE AND SHOWING OFF? SPITTING, SWALLOWING AND GARGLING!

 A little girl walks past her parents bedroom, takes a look in and says-: "And they wanna send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb!!"

2 gays livin in a house together. both get up to go to work. 1 walks out into the kitchen and sees the other wankin in2 a condom n asks wat u doin? he replies and says"packin ur lunch"!

"Mom" yes dear "whats a cock?" "oh thats the dangly thing between a mans legs. "whats a c**t then?" "thats the rest of him."

 1 overy said 2 other 'did u order any furniture?' Other ovary said 'no y?' 'Well theres 2 fuckin nuts tryin 2 push an organ in!